CHRISTMAS HYSTERIA HISTORY
As I mentioned last year, we always have a motto for christmas. This year we will celebrate a Howl-o-wistmas and therefore the ugly Jim is dressed with pumpkins and scary garlands.
I like the idea to have every year a different party, since I entered my crib I had a swedish and a russian christmas and a Britmas. Butt I asked my mom why she makes every year such an effort for christmas. She told me that’s why she promised to her pawrents, that when she has her own crib she will celebrate only funny christmas parties and not THE HORRIBLE CHRISTMAS she experienced with their pawrents once. She told me the story of the NIGHTMARE BEFORE ON CHRISTMAS… it’s a long story and we should get comfy first…
…and here it is:
It was in the late 70s and some days before christmas as my grampy got the order, to buy a christmas tree. He sadly forgot it and as he came to the place where they sold the trees they were sold out. Shit! His buddy said, no worries, we can steal one tonight after duty.
My grampy sadly thought that’s a good idea and with his partner in crime he drove to a forest plantation area. The had to climb over a fence, but that was no problem and they really found a super cool tree. They cut the tree and on the return march they got busted by a forest ranger. Both were soldiers and very brave so they decided to run away in a stampede. Unfortunately my grampy lost his army cap and un-un-fortunately it was his name in the cap, because all this caps look the same and therefore they wrote their name in it to get their own in case of caps off or another events. The forest ranger wasn’t in christmas mood, he immediately made a complaint at the garrison commander and showed him the cap as an evidence. My grampy got a major rocket and a very high fine. That means: black prospects for gifts. And my mom’s greatest wish was an overpriced doll house… very bad times for the doll property market…
Butt they had a tree and my granny tried to put the tree up. Sadly the tree and the tree stand were not compatible and because she was to lazy to go down to the cellar where they had some tools she tried to carve the trunk with an electric kitchen knife. I was sharp and strong and it worked well, not on the trunk but on her heel of the hand. Wow! Chainsaw Massacre!
After an afternoon at the ER where they fixed her gripping device and a tree carving by left hand, the tree was up and needed only some decorations. My mom decorated the tree that it looked like the feverish dream of a maniac and they placed the trouble-tree on the balcony. There the beast tumbled over three times with damaging the baubles and with the third time of instability, my granny threw the tree including decoration on the street. Like an ancient greek darter and with a lot of audience consisting of the sensationalist neighborhood.
On christmas eve as they had no tree, no gifts, no money but the cap back and a stitched and bandaged hand, they decided to ask for asylum at my granny’s pawrents. My granny told her parents what happened and that they have a big fat hole in the wallet and she also has one in the hand , no doll house for their only child and that she is married with a criminal. Her parents said they are welcome, even the tree-thief and they will get a doll house for their (at this time) only grandchild.
Butt how to get a doll house on christmas eve in the afternoon? Fortunately Mom’s beloved grampy was a genius, he asked his brother in law who is a chippie for some furnitures and he immediately tinkered some thingies together. Then Mom’s grampy took a big ole radio with a wooden chassis, removed all the radio-crap, made two windows in it and decorated the box as best as he could ( he was a farmer and very handy, but he had more gross sensory motor skills).
And as my Mom and their parents arrived after 180 miles and 3 hours at the asylum, my Mom found a doll house with furnitures and a doll family ( donated with heavy hearts by her older cousins) under the tree. It wasn’t the doll palace she saw in the window display and she said it looks a little strange and there is no doll dad. Her grampy said, that’s a poor family, who has to live in a shack, because the father is arrested for theft and the mother has an ouchie and therefore they have to spend a low flame christmas without gifts. Mom felt sorry, her parents some discomfiture and all was well – for a moment. My smart mom decided the dolls should have a candle light instead of a tree, because it’s the holy night. No one realized it and as they came together later for a christmas supper they noticed a bad smell and some dark clouds from the living room. As Mom’s grampy entered the living room the whole doll shack was on fire! Instead to run away with losing his cap, her grampy opened the window and evacuated the whole thingy via airlift through the open window. A flying crib, like Dorothy’s in The Wizard of Oz…
The doll house was lost with all hands and btw: my mom never got a real doll house. She was very sad and her grampy promised her a rocking horse what her parents had to buy her when the stores will be open again.
To make it short, the rocking horse never reached my mom, because on the way to the city her parents went into a skid and damaged the fender of their car badly on the wall of a senior residence.
As if all that wasn’t enough the car wasn’t finished as they had to drive back and Mom’s dad couldn’t risk to get new trouble for desertion and so they had to drive back in the ole Farm-Munga of Mom’s grampy ( one like this in the picture but “well”-used)
what had more holes in the hood than Billy Gates has $$. It was not funny to ride home in an half-convertible, even packed in blankets.
Wow what a Shitmas they had. And have I mentioned, that the following new years party turned into a disaster too? As my poor granny tried to wash away all the sorrows and the trouble of the old year, she probably confused water with booze and welcomed the new year with a ginormous hangover. She asked my mom for a glass of water and said she must die. Mom trusted her, why not she looked exactly like this and ran to the neighbor, Mrs. Walter, for help because her Mom had to die. This woman was the greatest newsmonger since the invention of vocal expression and after she took a look on my granny, she said: your mom will survive she is just plastered…what a SHAME! The new year wasn’t one whole day old till the whole town was best informed that my granny is a rummy , my grampy a thief and my mom pitiful…
After this christmas my mom did a solemn oath that when she is adult and has her own crib, we will never have such a lousy christmas. Doll houses and rocking horses are banned, even electric kitchen knifes and no one has his name in a cap or another piece of clothing. Our candle lights are battery-operated and the best: we have NO balcony and no one of our neighbors is called Walter.
HAVE A FABULOUS PRE-CHRISTMAS ALL
OMP (Oh my pig)! I.can.not.breathe.brother. Too funny! XOXO – Bacon
I laughed too… but honestly, brother: think the whole family is dangerous LOL
I told you we were brothers from another mother. My humans are so the same. If you only knew! XOXO – Bacon
Did you get my email bud? Thank you so very much!!!
I saw it right now brother, I will prat away my mom from the keyboard to write you.
No problems. You surprised this little piggy into hog heaven!! XOXO – Bacon
Oh Easy, you looked so relaxed laying on the couch! LOL You need to put on some Christmas-y shorts! That is so neat about your holiday traditions, thanks for sharing your history with us! 🙂
That was my first thought too – I should wear shorts… or a Santa suit :o)
I would love to see you in a Santa suit! Now that would be awesome!
OMG Easy! What a comedy of errors!!! I cannot believe your Grandpa got busted, your Grandma nearly amputated her hand, and you burned up your slum doll house! (you know I mean “slum” in a LOVING WAY!) Just think though, all of these calamities combined to give you the AMAZING sense of humor that you have! Misfortune in life DOES give people the ability to laugh at themselves and their circumstances and THAT is the GREATEST GIFT OF ALL!!! Barks and licks and love, Dakota and Mom
It’s great when such adventures turn into a memory and a “do you still remember…” and I agree with you it’s the greatest gift, because you have it always in your heart :o)
Oh Easy! What a horrible Christmas! But it was a funny tale!
Our christmas parties are always a little crazy, but fortunately so much mischief as then we never had again.
(probably because my grampy is too old to jump over fences)
OMD Easy sorry but we have tears running down our face from laughing so much and we sure needed that. That was the best Christmas story EVER pal.
Have a marvellous Monday.
Best wishes Molly
I felt the same as I heard this story. What a silly clan I have :o)
I am speechless again. No wonder you have so much blog material. You Mum had a colorful life, and you keep the saga going. It is all good as the saying goes. ……cute story, adorable tree………..
hahaha yes, colorful describes it best :o) I better wear a suit of armor for christmas and hide the matches :o)
Maybe you could get fireman’s gear, and an extinguisher.
Yes that would be a good idea too… or my family should spend christmas in my ole crate :o)
You tell some of the best stories on the Web! 😀 It’s always funnier looking back than it was at the time. Hope you’re having a wonderful pre-Christmas!
Thanks :o) It’s funny to remember old times with a distance. Fortunately we never had such a christmas like this again :o)
It’s a Christmas miracle that everyone survived. Well except for the tree that is.
It’s a Christmas miracle that everyone survived. Well except for the tree that is.
Yes that’s true. Even my granny. Think we all should believe in miracles :o)
Now Easy, that is a story for the Christmas books if I ever heard it! What a Shitmas that was indeed. Your grampy a thief, your granny a drunk and your mom an arsonist. Good grief. I guess it is best that you ONLY celebrate crazy Christmas from now on, with decorations from other holidays (like your Halloween tree). Next year, you should decorate with Easter eggs.
Oz
Oz, that’s a super idea, maybe I can decorate the tree with chocolate eggs, that would be cool! I better wear a helmet for christmas, when the cleptomaniac the chainsaw girl and the pyromaniac are together :o)
what is scary is that is sounds remarkably familiar to the types of Christmas’s my mom remembers (or tries to forget) She laughed and chuckled though thankful she wasn’t the only one who suffered through the silly season
Me too, it feels good that we are not the only ones who had crazy adventures :o)
Oh Easy, this story explains many things, not just Christmas 😀
I think so :o) Was it Karma that I joined this crazy family :o)
Everything that goes round comes round 😀
WE are laughing and laughing although I imagine it was not so funny, and we loves how you celebrate it now.
I laughed too :o) Isn’t that crazy that adult people did such crazy things? :o)
Easy it sounds like “The NightMARE Before Christmas” to me! Good grief – no wonder your Mom likes to have an “interesting” tree and celebrate just a bit differently every year. That Christmas of her youth was a pure horror…..beginning to end……and I’m sorry I was rolling on the floor laughing along with my Mom as we read this tale of woe but honestly – it’s truly sad that everything that COULD go wrong that year, WENT wrong. There simply is never a dull moment round your crib….even at Shitmas!
Holiday Hugs, Sammy
That was really a black strike they had. But fortunately all survived and the best was, that they moved the same year and had a new beginning without “criminal records” :o) I’m glad I’m a boy and I don’t want a doll house :o)
MOL MOL MOL This is another award winning story.
We love your tree theme this year.
Hugs madi and mom your bfff
Me too, I like scary trees. But…. the ugly Jim looks always scary LOL
This must be left over from “false confessions day”. Where’s the other story and we have to tell which one is true?
Sadly there was only this one, about a poor mom who spent her childhood without a doll house :o)
*can not breathe* *can not stop laughing* can not stop tears flowing as I am laughing* *still can not breathe* Oh Easy this is by far the FUNNIEST MOST HYSTERICAL MOST HUMEROUS story I have EVER read in my Life…Nylablue is now hiding in the bedroom…she thinks I have lost my mind…she might not come out til Spring…i may not be able to breathe until Spring!!!!
Thank you for the Christmas story!!!
Love Sherri-Ellen & Nylablue xoxoxoxo
in this case you are welcome in my crazy family :o) My Granny called me an said she saw this post – she remembers that my dad had to buy 250 bucks for the tree, has he stolen a whole forest?
I think I would fit in quite well; there is always a holiday disaster in our family too…not as wild as yours but close 😉
That WAS a might expensive tree Easy!!
Sherri-Ellen xo
OMG, Easy, are you sure that this really happened and wasn’t only a nightmare of your mom?
it sadly happened AND it was a nighmare, but one what became true hehe
This was such a fun post to read. (I guess it wasn’t fun fur your family when all of this was happening). It made such a great story. It makes the “someday you will laugh about this” quote so true. Good thing Ugly Jim is an artificial tree — wouldn’t want your peeps to have to go out an try to buy a real tree or history may repeat itself.
I’m glad too that we have the ugly Jim. I have no idea who should enter fences and who is able to manage a chainsaw without accidents :o)
Sounds like the makings of a good movie to me!
haha yes, I would like to play my mom’s part I like to play with fire :o)
Oh, my!! Easy we know that was not a fun Christmas for your mom but it sure was funny how you told about it. We are real glad that you all only have fun Christmas at your place. We would never want you all to have one like that one your mom had. We are sorry but we laughed when we saw you so laid out and relaxed. We just couldn’t help ourselves the butterfly made us laugh even more. Hugs and nose kisses
It’s good when even a horrible christmas turns into a funny memory :o) I was not sure with the butterfly, it’s not really season-like. but a mistletoe would be uncomfy :o)
The hooman laughed so hard she dropped her laptop and made us all rumble purr crossly at her which made her laugh even more. Silly hoomans!
Nacho, Noah, Buddy & Basil
xxxx
oh a chain reaction :o) We laughed too, even my grandparents :o)
Ahh Easy I’m laughing so hard as my little boy is busily playing before bedtime and I showed him your picture and he wants to see it over and over now! Thanks for the laugh buddy.
Ah he likes the butterfly LOL
Hey Easy!
Wow, this is the funniest story EVER! I’m really sorry that this is true for your Mom, but I gotta admit I’m glad for the belly-laugh. Oh the flying/flaming doll house! BWAR HAR HAR
Grr and Woof,
Sarge, Pol Comm
At least they had their new years firework some days earlier :o)
Nail the windows shut, just in case, E. Throwing stuff out the windows seems to be a Christmas tradition in your Mom’s family.
Love and licks merry pumpkin,
Cupcake
Maybe they are related with the swedish people, because they throw their trees out of the windows too when they have their Knut-Feast :O)
OMD OMD Easy this is an AMAZING SHITmess Story fur SURE. Complete with those Famous Biblical thingys
The Thief,
The Firey Burned Offering thingy,
and the Slaying of the Innocent hand.
WOW, the only thingy missing was a group of WISEa$$ Men.
WE love your Tree and think it is SUPER.
I’m a fraid every wise man would shake his head in pain for this adventures :o)
This one should keep the elves up at night. Hilarious. Jingle on…carefully!
Fortunately they have me now and I’m a good supervisor and their guardian angel (or elf) now :o)
Oh dude!!! What a tale!!!! You had me rollin’ on the floor (and that wasn’t just the flea medication!!! bol) And tell your Moms I love the butterfly….nice to cover your naughty bits when publishing publicly!!
Kisses,
Ruby ♥
I first thought a branch of a christmas tree would be better, but that was very uncomfy :o)
It’s a holly, jolly Christmas Easy!
yes, that’s what it is – hope this year we will have a not so fiery feast :o)
Hi, first time visiting your blog, Easy. What a story! The worst times as you are going through them often make the best stories later on! Love your modesty with the butterfly! 🙂
That’s true :o) the main thing is they all survived (except the poor doll-family) and we have a funny memory now :o)
Wow Easy, is this whole story true!? This could make for a good movie. Kind of like one of those Home Alone Christmas movies you know.
hahaha maybe she should change her name into “KEVINIA”? :o)
Wow, that was definitely the Christmas to forget – poor Mom, we think your Dad should get her a beautiful doll house for Christmas – bet she would be very surprised.
Woos – Phantom, Ciara, and Lightning
I bet that would be really a surprise :o) But I’m not sure what would happen – maybe we had a fiery feast again?
HaHa! I will be reading this story aloud to my son tonight! Sorry to laugh so heartily at the troubles. 🙂
Hope he will have sweet dreams :o)
OMD Easy, Mom is glad she waited till she was home from work to read this Christmas story. This is one for the ages for sure
hugs
Bailey, Hazel & Greta
hahaha – that was probably a wise decision to read stories like this at home :o)
Oh good grief….Easy one day I will actually leave a Pee mail in my seat from laughing…so sorry mum had the same wayward childhood as me bwahahhaahah makes for strong character and great sense of humour….this or a tendency to become homicidal maniacs …..sounds like a joke doesn’t it…the thief the knife wielder and an arsonist walk into a bar…..just glad mum decked your halls for the picture!! have a super day my friend and be wary strangers bearing xmas trees bwahahahah much appreciated laugh 🙂 lovies Fozziemum xxx Pee Ess…never did get my good Derwent pencils..always the cheap fat ones in the color range of beige-tan…..not that I am bitter….much 😉
Think the things we never got are in our minds forever. But I’m not sure if it is the same when we buy it as an adult.The ice skates mom bought as she was 30 came definitely to late – no chance for a career as an ice princess for a 30 years old girl :o)
Poor mum..and I agree..my girlfriend got me some of the much coveted Derwent pencils..i am yet to use them..i smell them every now and then and it takes me back to my friend at school who used to let me watch her use hers..and smell them now and then..funny her parents were broke and mine quite well off..and yet I got stiffed year after year hahhahaahh xxx
Your post notice came to my mom’s email box late at night last night as you know there are a few hours different you and me. She read it and laughed so loudly that she woke me up from my beauty sleep. I think she couldn’t fell asleep after that and tossed and turned zillion times.She didn’t leave any woofs here as her other two eyes weren’t on her bedside table. Most humans here use reusable trees like what I have. I think that tree in our living room is older than me; it’s from my Grandma Laura’s era.
~Eva
What? she interrupted the beauty sleep of a sheltie princess? not good, take a nap Eva :o) We have a reusable tree too, it’s also older than me like yours. They got it from a store owner as a gift, as they had no tree many moons ago :o)
That is quite possibly the worst Christmas ever. I almost feel guilty for all of the lovely Christmases I’ve had. I don’t believe I’ve ever had a bad one. My parents were super fantastic about them growing up, and even when I’ve no tree and no lights, it still looks like Christmas even if I have to drag pine boughs in from the yard and sprinkle them everywhere.
I think it’s the spirit of christmas what counts, not the tree or the lights :o) We had a bad one but now even this christ-mess is a memory and fortunately we can laugh about this adventure :o)
Oh Easy that was so sad, I know you make it funny for us but that sure was a shite Christmas.Where’s ya Christmas boxers BOL xxooxxx
Mollie and Alfie
I sadly haven’t boxers (we are a one dog crib LOL) but maybe Santa will bring me one? It was a little shitty, yes, but after all this years we really can laugh at this christmas many years ago :o)
Funny funny stuff easy. I love the butterfly on your nads. Clever. I love your themed xmas’s. very cool indeed. Have a very merry pre christmas
Thanks :o) I can’t believe that we have only one week till Santa will visit my crib. Think I should turn in a good boy by tomorrow :o)
Easy what am I doing??? I am ALMOST BLINE AND CAN NOT SEE ALL YOUR MOM WROTE!!! I shouldn’t be on the blogs at all !!!!! But I would miss you ALL so much!!!
Merry Christmas Easy!!!
I will use bigger letters for the next one. I wish I could do more for you, but sadly I can only cross my paws and hope for you.
HO-LEE CRAP. What a story! Wow. Makes me want to buy your mom a doll house.
Easy, Easy, Easy…truly…your blog is a book waiting to happen. No one in the paw blogosphere writes as well as you and your staff…really…no one…and reading it via translator is even better…which is I guess what I am reading if not…then THAT is even better…I cry with you, I laugh with you and I live joyfully with you…*excuse me…bwahahahahahahha* Ok, back again…didn’t mean to have to leave to *powder my nose*
hahahah hope your nose is ok :o)
Wow, you deserve to have a bestest Howl o wistmas, Britmas or whatever you want for all of eternity! Thanks for sharing the funny story and Happy Howl o wistmas!
Wyatt and Stanzie
I hope we will have a fabulous feast…Fortunately they have me now and I’m a good supervisor :o)
OMG that was one disaster after another :-(, however I do have to admit I did laugh a little – dry humour xxxx
At least all survived (except the doll family and the tree) and we have a memory for lifetime :o)
Easy! What a horrible tale of woe. No wonder your Mommy likes to has special Christmases.
Kisses
Nellie
Lee wants to know if we are related. The last Christmas Lee spent with friends, the friend’s father started slicing the ham with an electric knife that was not hooked in right. The blade went got him in the wrist went across the table and got a guest in the shoulder. It was a massacre Christmas. Blood all over the table no one ate and the emergency room got their money. Lee stays home usually alone now.
Thanks for being a friend
Sweet William The Scot
I think this electric knives are dangerous, more props for a horror movie than kitchen tools :o)
wow scary tale,Mum said her christmass were alway magical that’s why she loves it so much,xx Rachel
[…] For my mom that was a DOLLHOUSE. A real one, not the thingy her beloved grampy made for her and what was the reason for a smelly fire in the house… you can read about that shed here. […]
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