As I mentioned last year, we always have a motto for christmas. This year we will celebrate a Howl-o-wistmas and therefore the ugly Jim is dressed with pumpkins and scary garlands.
I like the idea to have every year a different party, since I entered my crib I had a swedish and a russian christmas and a Britmas. Butt I asked my mom why she makes every year such an effort for christmas. She told me that’s why she promised to her pawrents, that when she has her own crib she will celebrate only funny christmas parties and not THE HORRIBLE CHRISTMAS she experienced with their pawrents once. She told me the story of the NIGHTMARE
BEFORE ON CHRISTMAS… it’s a long story and we should get comfy first…
…and here it is:
It was in the late 70s and some days before christmas as my grampy got the order, to buy a christmas tree. He sadly forgot it and as he came to the place where they sold the trees they were sold out. Shit! His buddy said, no worries, we can steal one tonight after duty.
My grampy sadly thought that’s a good idea and with his partner in crime he drove to a forest plantation area. The had to climb over a fence, but that was no problem and they really found a super cool tree. They cut the tree and on the return march they got busted by a forest ranger. Both were soldiers and very brave so they decided to run away in a stampede. Unfortunately my grampy lost his army cap and un-un-fortunately it was his name in the cap, because all this caps look the same and therefore they wrote their name in it to get their own in case of caps off or another events. The forest ranger wasn’t in christmas mood, he immediately made a complaint at the garrison commander and showed him the cap as an evidence. My grampy got a major rocket and a very high fine. That means: black prospects for gifts. And my mom’s greatest wish was an overpriced doll house… very bad times for the doll property market…
Butt they had a tree and my granny tried to put the tree up. Sadly the tree and the tree stand were not compatible and because she was to lazy to go down to the cellar where they had some tools she tried to carve the trunk with an electric kitchen knife. I was sharp and strong and it worked well, not on the trunk but on her heel of the hand. Wow! Chainsaw Massacre!
After an afternoon at the ER where they fixed her gripping device and a tree carving by left hand, the tree was up and needed only some decorations. My mom decorated the tree that it looked like the feverish dream of a maniac and they placed the trouble-tree on the balcony. There the beast tumbled over three times with damaging the baubles and with the third time of instability, my granny threw the tree including decoration on the street. Like an ancient greek darter and with a lot of audience consisting of the sensationalist neighborhood.
On christmas eve as they had no tree, no gifts, no money but the cap back and a stitched and bandaged hand, they decided to ask for asylum at my granny’s pawrents. My granny told her parents what happened and that they have a big fat hole in the wallet and she also has one in the hand , no doll house for their only child and that she is married with a criminal. Her parents said they are welcome, even the tree-thief and they will get a doll house for their (at this time) only grandchild.
Butt how to get a doll house on christmas eve in the afternoon? Fortunately Mom’s beloved grampy was a genius, he asked his brother in law who is a chippie for some furnitures and he immediately tinkered some thingies together. Then Mom’s grampy took a big ole radio with a wooden chassis, removed all the radio-crap, made two windows in it and decorated the box as best as he could ( he was a farmer and very handy, but he had more gross sensory motor skills).
And as my Mom and their parents arrived after 180 miles and 3 hours at the asylum, my Mom found a doll house with furnitures and a doll family ( donated with heavy hearts by her older cousins) under the tree. It wasn’t the doll palace she saw in the window display and she said it looks a little strange and there is no doll dad. Her grampy said, that’s a poor family, who has to live in a shack, because the father is arrested for theft and the mother has an ouchie and therefore they have to spend a low flame christmas without gifts. Mom felt sorry, her parents some discomfiture and all was well – for a moment. My smart mom decided the dolls should have a candle light instead of a tree, because it’s the holy night. No one realized it and as they came together later for a christmas supper they noticed a bad smell and some dark clouds from the living room. As Mom’s grampy entered the living room the whole doll shack was on fire! Instead to run away with losing his cap, her grampy opened the window and evacuated the whole thingy via airlift through the open window. A flying crib, like Dorothy’s in The Wizard of Oz…
The doll house was lost with all hands and btw: my mom never got a real doll house. She was very sad and her grampy promised her a rocking horse what her parents had to buy her when the stores will be open again.
To make it short, the rocking horse never reached my mom, because on the way to the city her parents went into a skid and damaged the fender of their car badly on the wall of a senior residence.
As if all that wasn’t enough the car wasn’t finished as they had to drive back and Mom’s dad couldn’t risk to get new trouble for desertion and so they had to drive back in the ole Farm-Munga of Mom’s grampy ( one like this in the picture but “well”-used)
what had more holes in the hood than Billy Gates has $$. It was not funny to ride home in an half-convertible, even packed in blankets.
Wow what a Shitmas they had. And have I mentioned, that the following new years party turned into a disaster too? As my poor granny tried to wash away all the sorrows and the trouble of the old year, she probably confused water with booze and welcomed the new year with a ginormous hangover. She asked my mom for a glass of water and said she must die. Mom trusted her, why not she looked exactly like this and ran to the neighbor, Mrs. Walter, for help because her Mom had to die. This woman was the greatest newsmonger since the invention of vocal expression and after she took a look on my granny, she said: your mom will survive she is just plastered…what a SHAME! The new year wasn’t one whole day old till the whole town was best informed that my granny is a rummy , my grampy a thief and my mom pitiful…
After this christmas my mom did a solemn oath that when she is adult and has her own crib, we will never have such a lousy christmas. Doll houses and rocking horses are banned, even electric kitchen knifes and no one has his name in a cap or another piece of clothing. Our candle lights are battery-operated and the best: we have NO balcony and no one of our neighbors is called Walter.
HAVE A FABULOUS PRE-CHRISTMAS ALL